Someone said that taking time to sit down and go over our boundaries was “too complicated”.
Additionally, Mark said he thought our boundaries were too complicated (because of that statement).
I want to address my thoughts on this.
When we sit down to play rummy with someone new, we go over what rules we are playing by. The reason is because there are a number of different ways to play rummy and each way has its own set of rules. So EVEN THOUGH they are all called “rummy”-they are all actually played by differing rules.
If we didn’t specify the rules in advance, every player could assume that we were playing by a different set of rules and then end up frustratedly struggling through a game where all of the players were operating on a different understanding of how to play.
there are many different expectations and rules that people have for how they deal with friends, lovers, marriage, dating etc.
In polyamory-there are as many possibilities as there are people considering poly! It is unfair and unrealistic to expect to socialize without identifying what the boundaries of acceptable/unacceptable are for any given person we wish to socialize with.
It is in fact, setting them and us up for failure. It is disrespectful of them as an individual and it is disrespectful of us as an individual and it is particularly disrespectful of our already existing relationships.
It’s not “too complicated” , it’s actually LESS complicated.
If one thinks about what their UNSPOKEN expectations and boundaries are, they would probably find that there are many more of them than exist on our boundary list. Furthermore, they probably have many more depths of nuance. Unspoken expectations and boundaries are TOO COMPLICATED.
Guessing what someone else needs is TOO COMPLICATED.
In BDSM there is negotiation before play of hard limits and soft limits. This is a SAFETY MECHANISM for both players. It’s a MUST DO. It’s not something you can just skip because it’s “too complicated”.
In our poly dynamic, there are boundaries. These are current hard limits. Sometimes, with time and effort, hard limits become soft limits and then cease to exist at all. But, while they exist it’s imperative that all people who may be effected by them, know about them. KNOWING these hard limits doesn’t just allow you to protect us, but it also protects YOU.
If you fall in love with one or the other of us, knowing these boundaries could be the difference between creating a functional, happy, healthy relationship with one of us or getting your heart crushed in a quagmire of confusion.
It’s imperative if you want to participate in our FAMILY-that you understand what you can or can’t expect from us. It’s for YOUR SAFETY and YOUR security and YOUR comfort that you need to know what our boundaries are. It may seem AWKWARD to take that time to find out what they are, but I can assure you, awkward is NOT the same as “too complicated”.
The negative consequences of not knowing could annihilate your heart. Fixing a broken heart is TOO COMPLICATED to make it worth avoiding an awkward conversation.